Are You Parenting From the Head or from the Heart?

Parenting often feels like walking a tightrope between guiding children wisely and nurturing them with love. Many parents find themselves caught in a cycle of worry and control, driven by fear of what might happen if their child doesn’t meet expectations, but at the same time we are trying to be more respectful, gentle parents than previous generations - it is a balancing act that I am sure most parents have battled with.

What if there was way to parent from the heart, rooted in compassion and understanding rather than anxiety and pressure?

I find myself writing today, after a bit of a hiatus, as the result of taking part in The Artist's Way as one of my New Year's resolutions, or intentions, in the hope of getting my creative juices flowing again, and it must be working, as here we are!

As part of The Artist’s Way, we’re encouraged to take Artist Dates, and so, yesterday I took myself on a date to a Buddhist day retreat in Belfast. The theme of the day retreat was New Year, New You, but it was really about a new way of relating to your self, and the self of others, of acceptance and meeting yourself and others just where they are, or at least that is what I took from it!

This is a common thread that has been flowing through my own journaling practice recently and a theme in my morning pages since starting The Artist's Way.

So with all of this in mind, it felt natural to process, and share the experience through writing, and get back to blogging again!

Even before the retreat, my morning pages had been circling around the same theme: How I want to parent in the year ahead.

Perhaps the thing I want to create is my children's childhood! Wow!

So it’s no surprise that the during the retreat I picked up this thread and tugged on it.

One of the teachings we explored was the choice between living "from the head" or "from the heart". We noticed how we are so often "in our heads", worrying, and projecting, and that we need to learn how to drop back down into the heart. We also talked about finding the “Buddha Self” in ourselves and others: that is the pure golden nugget at the centre of every person. The idea that everyone is innately good, and that what we call “faults” are really expressions of suffering, not reflections of the true self.

Image: A parent lovingly crouches down to connect with their child in a field of wildflowers, sharing a moment of joy and understanding.

Parenting with heart means meeting and accepting the child exactly where they are.

Bringing This Into Parenting

Take the classic example: a child who doesn’t want to do their homework.

When we’re parenting from the head, the inner monologue sounds something like:

“You need to do this to learn the skills you’ll need later. If you can’t do this now, how will you cope when you’re older? At university? In a job?

It’s so easy to spiral into doom and worry, of course all fuelled by love, but still rooted in fear. And when we speak from that place, it can land like an attack. We might belittle, compare, or project our anxieties onto them:

“Why can’t you just do your work?”

“Look at your brother, he’s getting on with it, why can't you be more like him?”

“Stop being so lazy! You’ll end up with no job if you don’t learn to work!”

And naturally, this happens most when we’re overwhelmed ourselves; juggling homework with multiple children while making dinner, finishing our own work, or mentally running through the next ten responsibilities.

Parenting From the Heart

Now imagine approaching the same moment from the heart — from love, acceptance, and the belief that your child is good at their core. That if their behaviour looks “off,” it’s because they’re struggling, not because they’re flawed. (A particularly important reminder for those of us who are neurodivergent parents raising neurodivergent children.)

From the heart, you meet them exactly where they are. You have the space to be curious:

• Are they hungry or thirsty?

• Are they exhausted after a difficult day?

• Would it help to do the homework in the morning instead?

• Do they need a five‑minute reset?

• Are they stuck because they don’t understand the work?

• Or do they simply want to get onto their iPad?

Whatever the reason, the struggle is the issue, not the child. If they could do the homework, they would. If they can’t, something is getting in the way.

This reminded me of a book I dip in and out of: The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene, whose core message is beautifully simple:

“Kids do well when they can.”

Now perhaps there is still advice to be given, lessons to be learnt, but that will now come from a place of acceptance and compassion, and that will land much more softly and be more easily and willingly received. When we parent from this place, with this unconditional positive regard, it feels better for us and for them, and when children feel better, they naturally do better. Not because we push them to, but because they genuinely want to.

So how do we do this? How do we drop from head into heart?

During the retreat, Gen Chitta, who was leading the session, described her own method so simply and beautifully:

• Visualise the place within your body where you feel your self residing, your head in this case.

• Then visualise your body, not as a solid object, but made only of light, noticing that you are living in your head - visualise yourself there.

• Next imagine that there is a tiny elevator, moving in a straight line, down from the head, travelling down through the chakras, moving from the head all the way to the heart centre, and visualise yourself settling there.

• Abide there. Allow yourself to feel yourself resting there, in your heart space, full of love, acceptance and understanding.

An illustration of meditation, depicting a person with chakras highlighted, and a mini self riding an elevator from the crown to the heart chakra.

If you’re used to meditating, you might find this shift comes naturally. Or it may be something that takes a little practice, and that’s perfectly okay.

As I often say, what we learn in meditation we then have to put into practice in real life - once we open our eyes! So perhaps begin with a heart‑chakra meditation and get familiar with what it feels like to rest in your heart centre. The more you know that feeling, the easier it becomes to access it in the middle of everyday parenting moments. Once you are able to achieve this in the stillness of a meditation practice, then you will be able to call it into being, even by just pausing for 30 seconds to take that little elevator ride before responding to your child.

And as always, have compassion for yourself when you don’t get it right. None of us do this perfectly. Just notice, breathe, and try again.

Wishing you a little more peace and light in your parenting!

Andrea